Try it

The fist hug. when someone goes to give you a fist bump just place your warmed cupped hand right over top of it....giving it a safe cozy place to call home. The awkward unsure look of the fist's owner will be simply the face of a person who realizes that finally their fist has found a place to call home.

I couldnt be prouder

Friday, June 19,2009 The Florida Times Union -

In BIG BOLD lettering:

FCAT SCORES
St. Johns leads breakout among region's schools

-Crist Credits Duval, "I couldnt be prouder,"

As such, Crist has since enrolled in his local remedial English classes for a refresher on the usage of more, most, and morer.

Mentor's

Sometimes things get sideways and talking to a mentor helps. Sometimes that mentor doesnt have the answer but somehow, with a wisdom that you respect mightily, you just feel better when they say, "I hear you."

That's priceless.

UFC and Douche

In Jacksonville anyways, the UFC raises the douche quotient substantially.

Some of you may be asking, "Why would the UFC raise the amount of feminine hygiene product usage up....especially substantially?"

First you must understand that your feminine rinse is no longer "douche" as much as the big companies would like to hang on to their dear word. Oh no, the word "douche" has been stolen in the dark of night, like a baby by a crazy lady.

Douche is now defined by upper teen to lower 30's guys and gals who wear shirts with logos by Affliction, or TapouT, or UFC on them. This can be tagged with an exclamation point by wearing a beanie of the same ilk. To pull off the douche look it's best if you generally are a skinny-ish type but find yourself working out leading up to said event and then breathing in a ton of air before walking into the Sports Bar your going to bless with your gang's presence. Hopefully the host seats you quickly before you have to breathe again showing us your true frame, because we're ALL watching you. If at all possible try to make something on you shiny, something to truly catch the crowds eye....perhaps a gold plated necklace worn outside of your shirt. Try to gel your hair up into a peak...as it's the in thing.

Anyways, ladies douche-ism is a real scourge so be sure to stay away from it at all costs...

Even Rudy has got the infection:

POOl

So I've been told that a pool is just a hole in the ground you keep dumping money in to.

I do not have a pool. I do have a Hot Tub.

Now first things first:

I received a prescription for my hot tub because my back hurts. It hurts. Just like yours hurts. So due to this Doctor's recommendation I did not have to pay sales tax on it. Cha-ching.

Now it's getting hot out, the summer is staring us down the pipe and I just know it's gonna be a scorcher, how do I know? My lawn tells me so.

So I will commence turning the temperature down on my Hot Tub to, POOl temperature and have my itsy bitsy POOl in the backyard however mine doubles as a HOT Tub in the Winter AND it came with a warranty AND I havnt had to wheel any money into the top of it.

I highly recommend a HOT Tub / Itsy Bitsy POOl combo for anyone looking for some water in the backyard.

Do not try to dive in it....you'll die.

hmph, so these jokers sent me a letter letting me know that our contract has changed. Oh really? When did we sit down and negotiate this?

Right the best part is that they now deem a 'foreign transaction' one that may involve an online retailer from a foreign country. Mr BoA that's an awfully broad definition and cant wait to see how you apply this.

Face it. You big shots in the banks, at the tippy top that got used to sickly ROI while being allowed to take on risks that not even you could understand, are going to have to get used to the new idea of finance which is less ROI and less pay. You are going to have to get used to the idea that the Wild West of Banking has come to an end and it has nothing to do with a change at the White House or Capital but has to do with the house of cards you built.

Had you been smart at the gamble you wouldve sold out and gone and lived in Barbados about 5 years ago. Unfortuantely some of you stuck around a wee bit too long....so you suffer in your foreclosed company like millions of others. Some of it will come about to have been Criminal I am certain but in the meantime, raise my fees, raise people's rates in the dark of night, because the internet changes the competitive ballgame. A quick search shows me some wonderful ROI and control at Everbank. Lets see what a quick switch nets me.

Well Bellsouth, your customer service and inconsistent DSL service has brought the mea culpe today!! I have had it. No more will our internet go out during a heavy rainstorm, no longer will I have to go into the closet to reset the modem, and no longer will I have to deal with your customer service rep who sits there in silence after I finish my sentence until I say, "I think it's your turn." Enough is enough and I am that person who finally stood up to the bully and said, "No! We are not going to stand by anymore while you take our lunch money, beat up our brothers and sisters and rape our parents and fields of corn! We will take a stand and from this day forward we will tie your hands to the fencepost and poop on you! Right!?" A quick look to the crowd shows a mass of curious faces, some pensive and even one hand is raised but I know it's due to the full support!!! Are you with me!???

Uproar Du Jour

So the Political uproar of the day is the "Tea Party" where all these Fiscally responsible Americans are in a tizzy over the bailouts!! MY GAWD the BAILOUTS...THE CHILDREN!

Well color me skeptical. Where was the uproar when the previous 8 years of budgets NOT INCLUDING THE OFF THE BOOKS WARS, pushed our deficits to the record amounts we can see today. I mean show me the person who was screaming then and I'll say that they have the fabric to be able to yell and people should say, "Hey you know that crazy guy Jim who stood on the corenr for the last 8 years and held that sign angry at Bush and the budget deficits?" "Yeah." "Well he sure is consistent." However, when Fox News and the right grasp at straws that they themselves are the fiscal police I can't help but wonder who was the Sheriff in years prior.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

pooped

I have to skip out on the Denny's breakfast tomorrow...Im too tired but I see 6 days off out of 7 coming up. Oh I can't wait. So needed.

TWEEEET, im trying but it feels really stupid

Twitter. I see what it does but it just doesnt move the ball forward to me. I mean, facebook....you can reconnect with old friends family, share pictures, invitations, etc. Same thing with myspace although I get a middle school feeling from myspace. Anyways, Twitter feels stupid. Im eating lunch. Im picking up laundry. Im burying a body. I mean honestly, do I need to pause life to bring out my blackberry to say, "I'm going to order a gordita." Who cares honestly?

Now when Shaq tweets that he's at a restaurant and fans show up...I get it. When Obama tweets that he's bowling...I get it. When I tweet that Im trying on some underpants, I dont think anyone gets it. I dont think they want to get it. Perhaps I have low self esteem and they do. Do you? I doubt it.

Tweeting serves a purpose. CNN sends a tweet that there is a gunman on the rampage around my house. Thanks Twittering Wolf.

When there is a sinkhole threatening to swallow my car.....thanks twittering Anderson.

When the is an asteroid hurtling through space to create the next gulf of mexico with my house in the heart of it....thanks twittering Steve.

but in the grand scheme of things what the hell does a twitter about me petting my dog change anything. Buy Mr. Brewman's. Doesnt seem to tweet.

Eh, I've sent a tweet today but couldnt I have put the same damn thing on my facebook page? Dont I now need to duplicate my tweet over there so that my friends can not feel left out of my tweet to Ashton Kutcher? It's probably not Ashton Kutcher. It's probably Rob of Twitter, Inc. who has an agreement with Ashton Kutcher to ghost tweet for him so as to prop up Tweets and their tweeters so you can feel the need to tweet too. pfffggt!

I feel stupider for tweeting. The word is "snook."

Gorge, Gorge, Gordita!

I dont know what it is about the Taco Bell Gordita but there is nothing on that place's menu that quite punches me in the gut like their Beef Gordita.

It is pretty much a guarantee that by the time you finish off your second one youre a goner. The bathroom is yelling at you. If you were smart you wouldve gone and turned on the fan in the bathroom long before now so as to get the air flowing in there. By now....it's too late.

There is just something so satis-dying about this glorified soft taco that fills your sweaty palms with fullness as opposed to the smaller pinching effect the regular hard and soft taco's give off.

It is the Gordita and the Gordita alone that can make your stomach feel as if you've given just a bit of a morning stretch. Letting it know that every now and then it needs to be prepared for this gut buster. It needs to keep it's head on a swivel so to speak because it can never be quite sure whether you're going to feed it something more manageable, like the smaller nachos and cheese or if you're going to lay the wood to it with the Beef Gordita Supreme.

Alright so I need to go to the, I need to y'know....I need to go to the. .... well, Ill be back.

Jew-sir

So lets get a couple things straight.

If you have the fortune to have a friend let you borrow the Jack Lalane Power Juicer there are a couple of things you should know:

1. Eventhough Jack and his wife tell you that you will use the left over pulp to make pies, and cakes, and muffins and such...you wont. You will however feel quite wasteful and question whether or not this is the more beneficial use of a piece of fruit versus eating the whole damn thing.

2. Eventhough on the show it would seem that American fruits (or those that end up here) produce a crap load of Juice per item you would be mistaken. You'd be shocked at how little 'juice' an average piece of produce actually produces.

3. The juice does taste very very good however eating the pulp is kind of gross.

4. Juicing is an expensive endeavor if you include the price of the juicer and the unbelievable amount of produce you'll be buying to keep the juices flowing.


That being said Jack Lalane can still kick your ass.

Amish Anger

Dont let them fool you with that Jovial looking beard. This man's brother came into my model home today with his wife in a costume different than that which you see in the photo to the right but it was his brother nonetheless. His attempt to fool me into thinking that he wasn't Amish was lost when he spouted his anger at me with his wife smirking behind him.

When I said, "Hey there, how are you doin'?" and he replied...."I'm not interested." it was simply the first page in his book of anger. Thicker than War and Peace and darker than Mein Kampf.

When I asked him, "What are you looking for in your new home?" He may have well have said, "A torture basement." when I really heard him say, "We have a house to sell...a condo actually in Daytona Beach."

When I said, "How big is your condo?" and he replied that it was about 1500sqft....he may have well have said, "Just big enough for us to hide the bodies."

When they said, "Can we see your model?" I knew it was code for, "We need to see if you have spots to hide the children."

But....When I showed them the family room and they noticed the fireplace they said, "We wont be needing that. We make our own."

All is right in the world.

It's the...

EYE OF THE TIGER

It's the thrill of the fight!

Welp, another round today as we continue to try to stay relevant to the competition that's around us. More exhaustion as we've changed the dynamic and stopped splitting commissions 3 ways. It was the only way to try and save some grace.

Ashley went to her last sales meeting today and it was really fun watching her play the game of Question Tennis with the team. It would figure that Keith would be the first one to whiff on a question. Hello? the end in a question mark and generally your voice goes a little higher at the end.

Anyways, if life is a rollercoaster we continue to be on that part that cranks the car forward, slowly up the hill. chink.....chink.....chink....chink.

As we reach the top Im noticing that on the other side it's quite foggy and you cant really tell where your car is going to go. It's misty you might say. However, I have been told that this particular roller coaster took Tarp money to stay afloat and they've been able to pay the people on their HB1 Visa's to work on the rails of the track further down so hopefully we dont over run run them, knock them off, come crashing off of the track and need additional tarp money to weave together some sort of money parachute to land safely on the ground.

Here's to Ashley showing us that selling homes in the foreclosure market and shortsale market and builder inventory, is where it's at.

Nerves

This is certainly going to be a nerve wracking year but perhaps one where we lay the foundation for the next push forward. While I provide a small but stable ground, Ashley is branching out to join a Real Estate team focusing on shortsales and foreclosures. Should that go as it is planned she will begin to truly bring in a second line of income after toiling away through multiple disappointments working for the builder.

If she can become a steady stream of income it will relieve some of the pressure on this line to give some breathing room to perhaps be able to analyze the landscape, fertilize some seeds, grow some relationships, and perhaps launch a shot at the moon. I know that I have the talent to succeed in my genre and am just looking for the opportunity, the right opportunity, one in which a buzzsaw is not around the next corner, one in which I can use the skills Ive sharpened over the last 10 years.

This recession, if I can find some wiggle room, could be just what is needed to light some gunpowder.

I am an $%^&hole

Why you might ask?

Well this past summer I bought my mother's car from her and got the tag switched into my name. I however was an idiot and left the old tag on the car with the new tag in the trunk thinking that I'd swap them out when I get to it.

Well I never got to it.

So today my wife calls me and says to me when I answer the phone, "Where is this car's registration?" And I knew.

Now what put's the icing on the cake other than my wife being pulled over for my lack of plate initiative? How's about the police officer actually took the time to swap the tags out for me.

So not only did I keep the police from going after real criminals (dont get me started about the one's on Wall Street) AND having to have my wife deal with being pulled over for nothing that was her fault, I had to have Officer Friendly perform manual labor on MY CAR.

Wow, I've sunk to a new low.

Good Fight Exhaustion

Im tired of fighting the good fight when the opponent keeps changing:

the customer
the competition
my own company
my battery

Every day there is a new opponent and while I've (with help) done a good job fighting the good fight and winning, the finish line or judges scorecards keep changing. Just before I'd get to feel the tape across my chest the two Mexican midget twins holding each end of the tape, vanish and I see another mile ahead, 2 Finnish midget twins holding said tape.

Now I could stop where the Mexicans were and take an incredulous look around but no. I only get to breath for a moment before heading towards my pasty white midget friends...but I know now that they'll vanish and reappear a mile ahead as two Mongolian midget twins....smiling, missing teeth. I hate you midget twins.

Rechargeable?

So there are such things as Rechargeable batteries, rechargeable debit cards, rechargable cell phones, etc.



I feel like we are also Rechargeable humans. In a way. After work yesterday I felt like I got hit by a freight train. It was busy from the minute I opened up to the time after I was already supposed to be closed. Now it was a Saturday. Saturday's might traditionally be a day where plans are made to do something in the evening....whatever is your thing.

However, for me, my night consisted of UFC on TV by myself. I feel pretty darn good today and am thinking had I gone to the movies with the wife or hung out like we did on Friday, I'd be toast today. Last night its as if I plugged my ass into a recharger, perhaps on the wall but in this case on 'my chair'. I sat to and fro, leaned in and out, played on the laptop, ate some food, drank some drank, and vegged. My light went from blinky red to blinky green.

I know over time that the more charges you get the less time the charge gives you so perhaps that's when people kick the bucket. Their charger isn't giving them enough juice. Anyways, I'm a little coppertop!

SIX and three

I dont know what it is but working 6 days on and 3 days off is just a crazy rollercoaster.

At the start of your 6 days on youre filled with this sense of that youre about to start a marathon. You're energized and ready for it but you know that it's going to be a long one. You have to make sure you have enough supplies, you've got the right attire on and you're ready to deal with a bunch of crap.

By the middle of the 6 youre still feeling ok but you realize that youre only about halfway there and are just going to have to push on. You've been able to look back at the road behind you and realize that there is no turning back and that you're going to make it if you'll just dig. Dig deeper.

By day 5 you're a little crusty. You're legs are sore and you think it stinks that tomorrow is not your day off like it used to be. It's only one more day and than it hits you.....THREE days off are on the other side of the finish line.

On day 6 you're ecstatic, just plain giddy. You can't wait to be off. You can look back at your six days on and see that youve accomplished X, Y, and Z. You're happy and it is all peaceful in the world.

On your first day off you wake up to birds singing. Amazingly the sun shines down on your abode a little birghter and little warmer than all the other casa's on the block. The mailman brings your mail to the door. The kids next door are washing your car, for fun. While the stock market is falling all of your holdings go up. The grocery store delivers, only to your home. It's just the best day. It's as if you're the star of your own Disney movie and it's just begun.

Day 2 is pretty darn good and you can't believe that at the half way mark you're only half-way done! Things are still good and while the sun isn't shining as bright it's still warm and smiley.

Day 3 is a mixed bag, sweet yet sour. You're excited to have this 'bonus' day off but you begin to look at the next race. You begin to realize that you have to get ready....again. You look forward to the evening but you know that it is simply the harbinger of the next day.

Such is the rollercoaster of the 6 and 3 but there is one wonderful thing about the whole thing. At least you have a 6.

Growing Up Stinks

I went to a friend's funeral today and as Im sitting here at home thinking about this day I've come to realize more and more so that growing up stinks.

This isn't the first funeral Ive gone to but the other funerals allow you to prepare. When my grandparents died on my mom's side, I was much younger and very selfish with my emotions. While i felt sadness their inevitable deterioration allowed me to detach a bit and prepare myself.

When my Granpa Irving died much more recently while prepared it hurt quite a bit and I still miss him and his cantankerous ways. Ill never forget our political conversations. The last few weeks hurt but I was able to feel the hurt which was probably a good thing. I think that that is what youre supposed to feel. That year his favorite baseball team made it really far into the World Series and I just imagined him out there on the field, a ghost, blowing the ball to and fro to try and effect that base hit for the Tigers.

Today's funeral was out of the blue. While I wasn't the closest person to Eason he was still a part of what I know as my 7 Bridges gang and it was truly expected that he would be there whenever a there happened. He was light, bubbly, and at the remembrance service today someone mentioned him saying, "That's messed up." and I could literally see him saying it. I didnt expect to cry. Like I said, Eason and I weren't the best friends of the gang but we certainly were friends and could easily hang out comfortably with one another and share in the same stories and not miss a beat. I was all tears at the funeral.

Misty, his wife, now widow is a very strong person. She has handled this situation with grace and thankfulness that I might have a hard time finding in such trying times. Seeing her at the service speaking has me tearing up while typing right now. She was amazing and her and those that spoke truly show courage in the face of adversity. I'm not sure that as a kid I was capable of feeling it, as a young adult I was prepared, as an adult I felt it but was able to see quality time for the quality it was, but now it just stinks.

Things I Laid Out on the Table at the Cohen Family Meeting

eh it was only funny to me I am sure.

So here's the thing, I may go a week without seeing a customer in my line of work (New Home Construction) but it would seem that when it gets nice and rainy out, y'know, moist. When the ground is so soggy that it just cant take it anymore. When the clouds overhead beckon the four horseman at any moment. That this, THIS day is the day that you Mr and Mrs home shopper decide that not only do you want to go look for a new home but you've chosen this day of all days to have me walk you through the mud through multiple homes under construction, take you to homesites only for you to stay in the car and watch me step off the size of the homesite youre considering, and basically trudge mud and dirt everywhere including on the walls of my model home. How did it get up there!?

I have to ask....while Im trudging through the mud out there and youre in your car, are you laughing at me.

Joaquin, Sorry You Couldn't Be Here Tonight

If you didn't know, JP has left the building. That is all.

A Jewish Pet Coupon Sucker

I suck at keeping my dog's nails clipped so I live in a world of clicking. Click, click, click, click, click. so in one of the mail magazines full of local coupons there is a coupon to get the dogs a bath and their nails clipped. And the angels rejoiced. The dogs, not so much. Anyways, I always look at the savings at that moment. The register starts ringing it all up in my head. If I do it at home it's free but a pain in the tuchus. IF I go to the regular groomer I would use it'd be $80 or so. Not comfortable. So this is a savings of $60! WOOHOO, The Jew in me was jumping around the living room. Sit down. So I get up early this morning, way early, to be first in line so I can get it done before work. Well, this is when the sucking sound began.

The coupon is only good for one dog.
The dog's need some updated shot..........s.

That sucking sound resulted in an unknown amount just yet but they did ask to put a Credit Card on file since my roommate Jessie is going to have to pick them up later.

Damn, I have been suckered by the gentile coupon fairey! Sure the dogs will smell good and they wont click their way around the house but my initial Jew euphoria that was jumping around the living room is now standing on the other side of the porch sliding glass door, arms crossed, tapping a foot and cursing at me behind my back as I type this. He's pissed and we're out of Gefilte fish too!

Crap Salad

So I was shopping at my local grocery store today when I was confronted by an ethical dilemma. Not my ethical dilemma but one in which I jumped into my 'way back' machine to earlier that morning. See earlier this morning the Winn Dixie produce manager had this conversation with himself:

"Self. This bag of premade salad looks like it's going bad. See that Radicchio? it looks kinda reddish anyways, perhaps no one will notice it getting slimy and getting more brown in color. hmmmm, I have a lot of this stuff. It all shares the same qualities in it's clear bag. Maybe I should throw it out and explain to Jim the GM. Hmmm, Jim will be mad and want to spank me.....I've got it! Self, lets go get that roll of $1 off stickers and slap it on the bags! Than they'll move. Good job, self."

Now I stand here, in the present, holding said bag saying to myself, "self, this lettuce looks like crap. This is a Crap Salad. I will not buy you. Crap Salad, not even for a dollar off. " So I look around at Crap Salad's competition, Iceberg, Caeser, shreds....eh, im turned off of salad tonight, as I eye Crap Salad. Thanks Crap Salad, it'll be Texas Toast tonight.

Im a Butt Dialer

Yes I am. I hate my phone. When I got my phone it was glitzy, glamour-y, and it loved me. It showed me what a phone can do when you have a full keyboard on the front of it, it's little bumps like that on those flip floppy Adidas' that the soccer player and wanna be athletes wear. At any time I could just type out anything my little heart can encapsulate in 160 letters, symbols, or spaces, sometimes dots.

But the phone has gotten angry, bitter. She has seen the new wave of phones and her slip is showing. Her self confidence has been beaten much like the corners of the phone and the tip of the little antenna that has the marks that a trip across the asphalt should leave. She's overweight now but that's not really a fault because when she had her coming out party she was curvy just like the rest of them, now she's sloppy. Her face isn't as beautiful as the new breed and she isnt, well, she just isn't as smart as the new girls. She knows it. Ask her to do few things at the same time and she simply gets overwhelmed and needs a nap. Her eyesight isn't as sharp as the new breed and what used to be a lot of megapixels well is lacking against the new squad.

It's a shame but she tries to impress me still. Every now and then Ill notice her doing something on her own like trying to attach to the data package. Why? I'm not sure but it's not that impressive anymore dear. You're still a bit slow, even when you put your heels on.

To top it off, she doesnt work well with others, syncing, copying, emailing, just seems to leave her in the dust while the rest of the class moves on to the next chapter you can see her, in the back of the room, that scared look in her eye, wanting to raise her hand, wanting to ask that question, but knowing that all of the girls in the class will giggle, laugh, and even the teacher will say, "Palm. I understand that you're having a difficult time but now is not the time for me to try and catch just one student up to the rest of the class. You'll have to see me after school for some extra tutoring." Needless to say, Palm will just leave the class when the bell rings, end up in the parking lot bumming a cigarette off of one of the newer laptops who will eventually take advantage of her and break her heart.

It's a shame but it's almost time to trade the old girl in for a newer girl, a faster, slicker, sexier girl who plays well with others, can do all kinds of things at the same time, with a face to die for, and an ability to make even the man whose arm she clings to look good.

Well, I forgot I had this.

So here we are at the Lewis Black concert last night which wasn't as good as it sh/could've been but that may have had much to do with the audience here in Jacksonville than Mr. Black himself as he was as ornery as he ever is, when my friends David and Erin began talking about their Blogs, again when I said I want a Blog. Too. So David and I were talking about getting Ezekial a Blog which is likely in the works as it'll serve more than just a function of me having Diarreah of the fingers all over this keyboard but as a marketing tool for only the greatest concoction of Sweet Tea ever made, MrBrewmans. So low and behold (<--------is that right?), I logged in to become a devoted follower of the two Blogs listed above and TADA! my very own Blog started 'back in the day.' I probably couldve named it something else, but it'll doo. What the hell am I gonna do with this thing now....I'll need to merge it with Ezekial's Blog, hmmmm.